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Jaime's Challenge

The good news: Jaime Lannister pulled it out and defeated Kvothe. Came from 700 votes behind in the final hours to win handily... all thanks to you guys, of course. Thanks to all of you who voted for him... and all of you who voted for his opponent (misguided though you are). And to Patrick Rothfuss, a fine writer and a good sport, who made this round a lot of fun. RIP, Kvothe.

The bad news: Jaime is in the final, and his opponent is Rand al'Thor.

Let me see. Rand is a master swordsman. He's got one of those "heron mark" swords, which is probably the equal of Valyrian steel. He's the reincarnation of the greatest hero and wizard in the history of Robert Jordan's universe. He's got balefire. And then there's that whole ta'veren thing he's got going.

Jaime has gilded armor, a shield, a Valyrian steel sword, and a dwarf.


"Here's my counsel for this round," Tyrion said. "Run away. Don't look back."

Jaime is not impressed. "A Lannister does not run."

"This one does," said Tyrion, "but I figured you'd say that. So here's what you need to do to have ANY hope of surviving this one..."

Jaime's last match was fought on Kvothe's home turf. An away game. Therefore Jaime demands that this final be played out on his own ground, in the tourney grounds outside King's Landing, according to the customs and traditions of Westeros.

And should the wizards of Suvudu grant THAT request, he further demands that this be made a TRIAL OF SEVEN, to honor the Seven Gods. His right to demand such a format is sanctified by ancient Westerosi custom... and my first Dunk & Egg story, "The Hedge Knight."

Under the rules of a Trial of Seven, each combatant is allowed to have six companions to fight beside him. Seven against seven. Jaime's six will all be characters from the worlds and stories of George R.R. Martin (that would be me); Rand is free to fill out his six with characters from the works of Robert Jordan AND Brandon Sanderson. (Yes, he can even include Conan, since Jordan wrote about him).

Seven against seven. For all the marbles.

Jaime's challenge.

How do the gods of Suvudu rule?


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Apr. 3rd, 2010 01:41 am (UTC)
How about this
[I actually signed up to LJ for this - fanboyism takes the day]

Jaime just needs to dress up as an Aiel woman (Rand's weak spot), and feed him some lines that prey on his guilt and self-loathing - I imagine Tyrion can help with these. It's 50-50 whether Rand will obliterate the whole arena ground, or just run away to nurse his fevered mind, but 50-50 is better than 'Rand shows up - uses balefire. The end'.

Of course if Rand does use balefire, then that might wipe out Jaime's victory over Cthulhu, who will promptly rise up from his sleep (balefire being noisy and all), scare Rand sane, and then crush his head. Cthulhu fhtagn!
Apr. 3rd, 2010 01:56 am (UTC)
Nice. Very nice. He IS toast, though.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 02:41 am (UTC)
Rand wins- INFINITY! Jamie is good, but Rand is better. Sorry!
Apr. 3rd, 2010 03:43 am (UTC)
Six others (not Others):
Still living, functional and a few even perhaps willing
Jaquen H'ghar

Syrio Forel
Barristan Selmy
Franken Clegane
Danerys (if Drogon was allowed as a mount)

Scenario is this. The appointed officiate visits the respective camps the night before. The appointed officiate is Jaquen H'ghar, paid with the gold of Casterly Rock. The officiate dumps some (castor oil, iocaine powder, what-have-you) into Rand's evening meal. Rand does not show the next day due to (the trots, a severe case of not living, what-have-you).

Barring that, have Jamie sleep with Melissandre (assuming he would accept such a task :) ). Have her send a shadow into Rand's tent the night before. Problem solved.

The other combatants are just for show. Water dancer, epic knight, um... "it", and a little girl.

Lannister win by forfeit and an amusing menagerie of Westerosi legends (legends-to-be).

The main strength of the ASOIAF mythos is the... moral flexibility and resourcefulness of the individuals that inhabit it.

Apr. 3rd, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
Being a realist....
I must confess that I have not voted in Jaime's favor for every round in this contest. I've tried to be as pragmatic as I could in choosing the one I actually believed would win, though I feel my fanboy side got the better of me once or twice (Drizzt vs. Shrike). When it was Jaime vs. Cthulhu, I had to give it to the big guy, (though that was before reading your excellen write-up, Mr. Martin).

And that's why, being a pragmatist, I can't in good conscience vote for Jaime in this round. I'm sorry, but even if it was a sword match, Jaime is at the disadvantage of having lost his primary hand, while Rand has only lost the off hand while being accustomed to fighting two-handed. Still, he's also trained in Aiel hand-to-hand combat and with short-spears.

Also, given that the fighting style in Randland is much more focused on finesse and agility, while that of Westeros is more based on medieval broadsword styles (which I assume, given Ned's bafflement during Arya's training in Water Dancing), I have to again give that to Rand.

Sad to say, I'm with Tyrion. Jaime's best option here is to run, and that as fast as he goddamn can.

Apr. 3rd, 2010 07:17 pm (UTC)
Re: Being a realist....
Don't worry, Rand will just be sitting around sighing and thinking about how women are hard to understand, and fantasizing about having a foursome, and Jaime will walk up and cut his head off.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 04:44 am (UTC)
The seven
Jaime will lose this one, but for the sake of sheer badassery, here's the seven I'd pick

Jaqen H'gar (how has only one person mentioned him)
Areo Hotah
Robb Stark (unless there's a wedding)
Aegon the Conqueror
Mystery Knight (mentioned in Jojen's story of the Isle of Faces)
Darius (or whoever the Tyroshi captain in Dani's service is)

Apr. 3rd, 2010 05:43 am (UTC)
GRRM's gonna include characters from the Wild Card Universe... modern superheroes vs the Wheel of Time universe could very well tip the balance...
Apr. 3rd, 2010 06:47 am (UTC)
No offense but...
Jamie is screwed.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 12:03 pm (UTC)
Re: No offense but...
Expanding this beyond the two primary combatants increases the difficulty in handicapping this fight on a logarithmic scale. And adding Sanderson's characters brings it to a ludicrous scale. Not one but two people MOVED a planet and totally rebuilt its ecology. Godhood(notwithstading previous rounds) has no place in a tournament.

Jaime has the resources of large tracts of Westeros at his disposal. Rand has the resources of half a dozen nations at his. Gold cancels out.

Fight the tourney in a stedding, cancels out the One Power and presumably the reawakened magic of the Seven Kingdoms.

Both sides have mythical beasts and large armies, lets leave them at home.

Rand has a crazy person in his head. Jaime has a crazy person in his bed.

Jaime has a brilliant midget. Well the Cairheinen are ALL short, and Moiraine was twisting kings around her finger when Tyrion was still in short pants, so they're even there too.

All the champions either side could bring will have some corresponding counter in a bloody game of rock paper scissors. We don't need the mess, and frankly at least half those mentioned so far are meerly OK, not legendary. I claim ignorance of most of the possible invitees outside the mythos of ASOIAF and WOT for much of the basis of my argument here, so sue me. Going down this road is like asking who wins a starship fight between Star Wars and Star Trek, or comparing athletes from different eras, its apples and oranges. And everyone knows those pansies from Star Trek would choke on their Earl Grey tea, hot or not.

Jaime was trained to fight for honour and glory. Rand was trained to kill. I think that is the deciding factor.

And even though he knows he is doomed, Rand fights for humanity. So emo or no, his heart is in the right place. Jaime seems on the road to redemption, and I really like when people get redeemed, but he's still the guy who threw a kid off a wall to me, and until Bran forgives him, I can't.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 07:23 am (UTC)
There's also a chance to use vampires here - so long as the fight's at night, Joshua York wouldn't be a bad guy to have on your side in a fight. Mind you, some of the Kavalars are pretty dangerous too, especially assuming they're allowed their spaceships. But I think for narrative coherence this should be an Ice and Fire vs Wheel of Time fight, plus Conan cos cool.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 07:48 am (UTC)
umm... no one's mentioned Vin (Sanderson/mistborn) who could virtually keep jamie pinned by pushing against his steel, and defending herself by burning atium, seeing where the next strike is...

sorry but bringing other options into it is a bad idea...

stedding is the best ground for this fight and i agree... jamie spends more time practicing than rand... he's got bigger issues
Apr. 3rd, 2010 11:35 am (UTC)
I have never cared much for Jaime but if he can somehow kill Rand, I'll love him for the rest of my life...
Apr. 3rd, 2010 11:38 am (UTC)
Rand killed Conan in round 2, with balefile no less. Conan doesn't exist in Rand's universe any more. So that's one less thing to worry about.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 11:51 am (UTC)
The real question is - could the sister fucker find six people to fight with him? I mean, you never know when he'll stab you in the back, right?
Apr. 3rd, 2010 01:32 pm (UTC)
Conan & Cage Match
If you put Conan in an arena with 13 other magic deprived combatants, you will soon have Conan and 13 piles of gore, teams be damned.
Apr. 3rd, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)
Anyone read the Mistborn Triology by Brandon Sanderson? Those people can manipulate metal...Jamie would need to go in unarmored. (I don't think they could do Valeryan Steel, but the rest of the armor would be a problem)
Apr. 3rd, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
As long as the mole people get to show up ...
.... from "Dark, Dark Were the Tunnels," then I think you will win!
Apr. 3rd, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC)
Vote for Jaime. Rand hasn't done anything for four books.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way," Rand sighed to himself as he reclined in his overly squishy throne-chair and tapped his fingers on his super soft and comfy leather breeches. His dark black boots were also made of soft and comfy leather, and laced up with dark black lace. They were up on the side of the chair, because he was reclining. Rand looked around him at the resplendent room with its tapestries and stuff. He was supposed to be out defeating the Dark One. There wasn't supposed to be all this sitting around. But now he had all these responsibilities... Everyone was relying on him but he didn't think he was very good at leadership. Looking across the bright red carpet going away from his throne towards he door, Rand saw Min approaching wearing skin tight pants and an almost see through-y looking shirt. She was super hot, but Rand didn't understand her very well because she was a girl. "Hee hee haha" said Lews Therin. Stupid Lews Therin, always laughing when all Rand wanted to do was to think about girls. Then, Rand looked at Min, and her eyes were open in surprise, "she looks like she's about to say something," he thought, but who knew when it came to women?

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his back! He looked down and there was blood all over the many layers of lace and ruffles he was wearing on his upper torso! And there was a sword sticking through. The blade was really shiny like it had some shiny ointments all over it, like the stuff they rubbed all over each other in the A'iel sweat tents. It was really hot in those tents. But the pain in his stomach was even hotter! Someone had stabbed him through the gaps in the golden throne he was sitting on, and the pain was really bad. "Now you know now you know!" the crazy guy in his head was saying. Rand tried to reach for the one power but it was really hard because of the pain and stuff. He tried to stand up but he fell over. Min ran towards him and started screaming. He didn't know why because he couldn't understand how women thought about stuff. All he could see were some shiny gold boots and a white cloak, marching away along the velvet red carpet, and his eyes closed for the last time.
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