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No, No, No

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I was drinking my morning coffee when the headline flashed across the bottom of the screen. That sound you heard was me choking and sputtering.

My Jets have given up two perfectly good draft picks for Tim Tebow, the worst quarterback in the National Football League.

Gak.

What the hell are they thinking over there at Gang Green central?

Mark Sanchez is not, as yet, Eli Manning, but he is a talented quarterback with a good arm and he completes more than fifty per cent of his passes, none of which can be said for Tebow. The last thing he needs is a stadium full of Timomaniacs screaming for Tebow every time a pass falls incomplete. The divisions in the Jets locker room last season were well documented. THis is just going to make those problems a thousand times worse.

Nor do I think that Tebow's conspicuous piety will play well in the Big Apple. This is the city that once embraced Broadway Joe. Tebow would fit better in... well, if Branson, Missouri had an NFL team, that would be a perfect fit.

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Danny G
Mar. 22nd, 2012 04:35 pm (UTC)
An attempt at translating
Mark Sanchez is the captain of a squad of goblin pirates. They're quite good, but the lands they inhabit are shared with other pirates who have achieved greater and more glorious success. While there's loyalty amongst the crew, they're still goblin pirates, and there is still an inordinate amount of grumbling, in-fighting, and potential back-stabbing.

Earlier this year, Sanchez was summoned before the Council, and deemed worthy of his rank and status and told to continue his missions. However, the Council has now told him they're bringing in Tebow, a "backup Captain," in case Sanchez falters. As if that weren't enough, the backup Captain is largely considered a joke by the other squads. His plans of battle are laughable and fail (hard) 95% of the time. But, strangely, he comes out with a head-scratching last-minute victory far more often than people would expect. To top it all off, he's not even a goblin, but an elf! One of those stoic, humble, overly-spiritual elves who cries in defeat, but also cries in victory. How could *he* be put in position to captain a crew of goblins?!

This analogy took a lot longer to explain than I thought it would.
James Hlavac
Mar. 22nd, 2012 06:43 pm (UTC)
Re: An attempt at translating
Gotta love the people who give Tebow a hard time about crying during one of his last games as a Senior. I'm sure you weren't born with tear ducts, but the rest of us aren't so lucky. And by your standard, I guess Peyton Manning and Heinz Ward would be sissy elves in your universe also, considering they were caught crying on camera recently. Shame on them!
John Shaw
Mar. 22nd, 2012 08:06 pm (UTC)
Re: An attempt at translating
This is fabulous.

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